Tag Archive: mobility


How Did I Get Here

I have been spending time lately thinking about how I got to the life I lead today. The only thing I can say for certain is that the 18 year old me would not believe me today. I think I changed into someone else along the way, or maybe it is who I was meant to be.

My journey has been the same one that most people in my age bracket has faced. When we were teenagers we had the world by the horns. We were the greatest generation yet. The “establishment” had created The Vietnam War, civil injustices, and anything else we didn’t like. We were the “anti-” generation (That hasn’t changed apparently!)

As a teenager, I was basically a follower and did whatever everyone else was doing. Thankfully I didn’t fall down a rabbit hole. I was quiet and a little shy. I didn’t join clubs because I didn’t know how to start a conversation. Now I am loud and outspoken. I have actually held a job that required public speaking. I don’t care if opening my mouth proves my IQ.

Fog

Since I started school I have always lived in cities. I grew up walking to the store or taking a short ride to the movies. I seldom stayed home all day. Now I live in an rural county in an isolated location overlooking the lake. While the view is great, conversation is limited to me and me. My huband still works so days can get long. Oh, did I mention I can’t drive due to Meniere’s Disease?

I think I missed something somewhere. How did I get here???

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Surprised?

Well, Cigna canceled my disability insurance payments.  Surprise!  I am initiating an appeal. My doctors have not changed their positions. Cigna Life Insurance coverage is no longer in force, as they have canceled the premium waiver.  On top of all this, my COBRA health insurance coverage expires the first of September, but I can’t get Medicare until November. I am about at the end of hope.

I expected my disability payments to be canceled.  That is how the insurance game is played. But they canceled it because the strength in my legs had increased. I never knew that leg strength helped to type or hear! Once again my ENT and rheumatologist had to fill out forms and send in letters. They make it so difficult to get and keep payments coming.  The reason I signed up for disability insurance was to make sure that I would have enough income to pay my bills.  These payments are less than I draw from Social Security, but they are needed to cover the bills for insurance.

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I cannot get life insurance coverage outside what I used to have.I received a letter from Cigna stating that they had also canceled the premium waiver for my life insurance.  The letter said I had the right to appeal the decision, but I had to apply for conversion to a private policy within 30 days.  AND I had to send in the first three months payment with my application which would run about $1400.00!  I am fortunate to have some room with my finances but that and my health insurance run more than I draw from Social Security. Our home is on the market and we are building a smaller, handicap accessible home to lower our expenses.

You have to be on Social Security for two years to be eligible for Medicare.  COBRA coverage last 18 months and cost me about $900 a month.  That means that for 6 months I will not have health coverage.  I cannot possibly afford insurance that will cover my pre-existing condition (about $1300).  Believe me I have checked. I went through the procedure to try to get COBRA extended but they denied it because they weren’t notified within 60 days of receiving SSD.  That also has an appeals process.

The Sarcoidosis is in the joints of my fingers and my wrists.  I cannot type for more than 30 minutes without pain. I lose my grip at all the wrong times.  I can’t sit comfortably due to pain in my hips. I can’t walk without pain in my knees or feet.  I can’t stand still without falling because of the Meniere’s. I can’t walk without looking at my feet.  I can’t drive more than 10 miles from home.  Yet Cigna thinks I am faking and can work a full-time sedentary job.

I don’t have the energy on a good day to be active for more than 4 or 5 hours.  Someone is with me whenever I leave home in case I fall.  The medication I take is messing with my body and the disease markers keep going up.  The doctors tell me to avoid stress.  The insurance companies count on people either giving up or dying.  And the way this is going I think they are literally killing me!

 

 

Brain Fog

out of orderIt has been over a year since I have went shopping on my own. It has been over a year since I drove myself to the doctor. It has been nearly a year since I went by myself to visit a friend. It has been almost a year since I have done anything unplanned. It has been over a year since I had to think!

Everything seems slowed down, almost like swimming in hard set jelly. I hear people tell me things and react as one should react. Later though I can’t remember them telling me and I have to ask again. I never remember people’s names, but then I never did in the past either. I have a degree in math, taught high school math, and did graduate work in computer science, but I find myself stumped when trying to figure out the difference between two prices. I used to always be elected to keep score during game night. Now I am accused of cheating because I add wrong!

I truly do not believe it is due to any physical calamity, although God has given me a few. I think this “brain fog” is just laziness. I have set and hibernated for the past year.  Am I better physically? Maybe in some ways.  Mentally?  Definitely not. Because of my physical limitations, I have allowed my brain to atrophy. I have not been challenged with true problem solving. I let my physical dependencies morph into emotional dependencies. My brain became a couch potato.

So I need to get off my rear and motivate. I am not sure how to go about it. I know exercise is in order in some format. Balance and fatiguing the muscles are issues. I need to find some way to volunteer for something even though I can’t get anywhere or predict if I will even be able to volunteer on any given day. Crossword puzzles and smartphone games are gwoman holding shopping bagsreat, but lack that charge you get from social interaction.

Recently I did go on a shopping trip with two other friends. I was out of the loop when they began talking jobs, shopping, or anything outside our little group. I quickly tired and began walking slower. How do people do this?

How do you become a healthy shut-in? I do not live near a metropolitan area. My husband would not move to the city. There is no public transportation. My husband works long hours and has to rearrange employees to take me places. I want to get healthier and continue to grow stronger. I want to grow sharper mentally and to continue to live independently. Any suggestions?

Where Was I

As often happens, I have gotten off track once again.  I have been told that I am flighty, scatter-brained, willy-nilly, and other less flattering adjectives.  Maybe I have Attention Deficit Disorder and was never diagnosed.  Who knows and frankly, who cares.  This blog seems to be a perfect example. Life just has so much to offer and I am interested in it all!  Think of all the things that are out there that we will never experience.

I have been feeling much better and have had greatly increased mobility.  I am on medication that is doing a TKO on my immune system, but the test results have leveled at mildly above normal.  I am gradually becoming accustomed to the medication which is great.  I still get over tired easily and the nerves in my legs curse me for days. The biggest disappointment is the lack of normalcy.  I want that back!

How do I know what is just old age and what is this disease. Somewhere, somehow, I have aged and didn’t know it.  I look around at my friends and think, “Goodness they are getting older.”  I looked in the mirror the other day and, God help me, it was a haunted mirror.  There was a middle-aged woman returning my stare and she looked as horrified as I did!  I must have looked really scary.

Thank goodness I am getting older, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the energy of a three-year old when you are over 50.  I would be accomplishing so much.  My house would be cleaner, my car would get serviced more often, and everyone would be happy.  Right!!

No thanks.  I am glad to be getting older and glad to be able to complain.  If you haven’t got anything to complain about, that probably is not a good thing.